My Awful Habit

I had an awful habit.  I mean, it was a terrible habit.

I sometimes moved before God said move.

And it was very debilitating.  I mean, it wasn't debilitating while I was moving ahead of Him, but the aftermath always was.

I would get impatient and tend to make things "happen" for myself.  With the exception of buying a house here in California, I have pretty much gone after the things I wanted in the past, even if it put me in debt or wasn't well-thought out. I had a microwave mentality and a severe case of "fear of missing out."

Over the past year, I've slowly but surely learned what it means to make the Lord "lord" of my life and not just savior.  I really thought I had done this, but I realized there were several areas which I had not turned over to Him completely.

1. Relationships. Oh goodness. The "R" word. We all have relationships whether they are of a romantic nature or just a friendship.  But I was really steering my own ship in this area of my life. "Lord, I love you, but I got this."  Yep, that was my attitude even though I really wasn't aware of it.  I had to have a breaking point; a point where I looked in the mirror and was tired of my heart feeling empty.  I was tired of feeling lonely and trying to fill the void with a person.

I had to become satisfied in Christ and Christ only. Nothing can fill the void in our hearts like He can.  And honestly, I personally don't feel like He's gonna bless us with the love of our lives while we run from being filled by Him.

This meant spending time in His presence.  Crying out to Him.  Getting honest with God about how hurt I was about my divorce.  Getting to the nitty gritty about soul ties that still existed.  I had to get on my face and do an ugly cry while alone in my apartment. I HAD TO GET REAL. My prayer went something like this:

Lord, I'm sad. God, I confess I am empty without you. I need you. I'm hurting. I don't feel good enough. I feel empty. I miss my mom. I feel alone and orphaned. I'm in a one-bedroom apartment with my daughter and my son. I'm 39 and should have a house. Lord, I feel ugly. Who's this age and still has acne?  I feel like damaged goods. Who will want me. Lord, please, heal me. Fill me up Lord. God...do you hear me?  Lord?

And then I woke up the next morning.  Yep, He let me fall asleep. And when I woke up, I felt comforted...not comfortable, but comforted.  I felt like He was in control and I he put in my heart the following scripture:

You know when I sit down and when I rise up; You understand my thought from afar. Psalm 139:2

I didn't have to offer God a dissertation on my feelings or try to find just the right words.  He already knew how I felt and it was okay for me to just talk to Him and cry.

2. Purpose.  I always wrestled with what my purpose was.  I settled on the fact that being a mom MUST be my purpose.  I mean, of course that is my purpose, right?  Well, yeah. Sort of.  But what was Mylah, the woman's, purpose?  What was her purpose long after my little birdies leave the nest?

I had to fast and pray on this one.  I still pray over it. He is revealing it to me and has even sent confirmation my way, but I'll talk more about that on another post.

3. Location.  If you have followed me on social media (my personal Facebook and Instagram), you'll know how badly I have wanted to leave California.  My main reason for wanting to leave is the cost of living.  The joke is that you have to have to have a full-time job and do something illegal on the side to afford it here.  But I wanted to move so that I can afford to buy a home for my children and save money at the same time.

Sounds good doesn't it?  Yep, sounded good to me until I realized I would be leaving my son behind with his dad.  He has a good dad. So it had nothing to do with WHO I was leaving him with.  It had everything to do with the fact that I wouldn't see him regularly.  And the thought of that broke my heart.  Maybe when he becomes older, it will be okay for me to leave and have him come visit me. But as of the date of this post, he's 7.  And well, I just can't.

So, I'm relying on God to be my provider.  I have turned everything over to Him to provide for me and my little family.  I believe He will. His Word says:

And my God shall supply all your need according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:19

And I believe this wholeheartedly.

So where am I now?

I'm finally feeling amazing about living the single life.  My inbox is clear of distractions and I'm focused on the Father, my new job (praise the Lord), staying debt-free, and prayerfully saving for retirement. 

I'm pursuing my purpose and praying for it to become even more clear.  I am getting ready to decorate my little place and stop treating it as a temporary residence.  When God moves me, though, I will be ready (hey Lord...you hear that? LOL).

I'm in love with God.  And I know His plans are the best plans.  Have you ever jumped ahead of God or chosen not to wait on Him?

My PlayDoh Heart

I was at the table assessing my budget since we're halfway through 2018 while Nai, my four-year-old daughter, was making shapes with PlayDoh.

She made a pink heart. Just as soon as she'd made it, she accidentally broke it.

She exclaimed,

"Mama! My heart broke!"

I immediately went into "fix it" mode and offered to help her rebuild her heart. She said,

"It's okay Mama. I can fix it. It will be even better!"

 I couldn't help but think that that is how God handles our hearts. His Word says, in Psalm 147:3:

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.

I've been brokenhearted more times than I'd like to express. But one thing I know for certain, is that God always makes me better than I was before. And who better to mend our hearts than the creator of our hearts?

 

Missing One of My Senses

Photo by Pranam Gurung on Unsplash

You know how they say that when the body loses one of its five senses, the other four become more sensitive and heightened?

I feel like I'm going through something similar since the passing of my mom.

I talked to my mom every day and had her on speed dial when I needed to vent, ask for advice, cry, laugh, or make a decision. I'll refer to the need for my mom as my "Mama Sense." After she passed, I lost my Mama Sense.

I feel like I have to work overtime in every other part of my life to fill that void. But here's what I noticed.

The void will never be filled.

My other senses have become stronger; most notably, my God-sense. In the months before my Mommy passed away, she told me she wanted to be sure that I would always go to God FIRST for EVERYTHING. I'd like to sit here in front of you and say that I've always gone to God first in prayer, but that isn't true. I went to my mom first 99% of the time.

I'm now exercising my God-sense more than ever. It's getting stronger and I'm becoming even more sensitive to the Holy Spirit. 

Music Monday Post #3

A friend of mine text me a link to this video. I've been re-playing it ever since. I hope it blesses you the way it has blessed me!



 

I'm Too Old For This

Is it time to get up already?

A little voice whispered, "Mama. Mama. Let's wake up now. It's morning time."

I rolled over in my bed, opened one eye and saw my six-year-old son with a face of excitement, ready to get his day started. Lying next to him was his night owl three-year-old sister who was still sleep. I looked at him, and then glanced over at the clock.

5:55 a.m.? Are you kidding me?

Good goodness son! Go back to sleep!

But I can't tell him that. He's waited all week to see me. Yes, he lives with their dad.

The time my son and I do have together during his weekends with me is so precious. I treasure it.

But I would be lying through my teeth if I said that I wasn't so completely exhausted after I have both of them together for the weekend.


I waited until I was in my thirties to begin having children. Because I waited a little longer than some (although it seems lately that people are starting to postpone child bearing), I'm in my late 30's running after a three-year-old...and quite frankly, I'm tired sometimes.

I push myself all of the time because I know that I will never get this time back. I'll blink and they'll be in their 30's running after their own children (Lord willing). So I make the most of it. I plan A LOT. I actually started creating a weekend agenda for us so that I won't have to wing it. I eat my Juice Plus and try to stay hydrated so I don't get sick too often. I pray A LOT for strength and I have to admit - most, if not all, of that strength comes from God.

Being a parent isn't easy. Being a single mother isn't easy. I choose to do the very best that I can so that my children see a happy, peaceful, and relaxed mother.

I still can't believe he wakes up before 6. Meh.

When did your kids start sleeping in? When did you start gaining back a little of your free time?

What's This All About?

I realize that I've started posting without even telling y'all what this blog is about. So let me rewind the tape.

I'm not new to the blogging scene. As a matter of fact, I've started and stopped blogs since 2001. Yeah, I know, started and stopped. Truth is, I've failed to be consistent. Here's why:

I didn't write from my heart.

I wasn't authentic.

I wrote what I thought people wanted to hear.

My old blogs just weren't...me.

So here I am. A 30-something divorced mother of two who has learned a lot and is no longer ashamed to show people who she really is.

In the last few years, I've learned to only take serious those things that will impact my children, and my life in a positive or negative manner, and to praise God in EVERYTHING!

I learned to laugh at myself!

I learned it was/is okay to cry and show weakness... And be vulnerable.

I learned that I didn't have to be perfect because I have a perfect Savior. I strive for holiness, as that is expected of God's children.

Through all of my hardships, you know what I appreciated the most? Laughter, and people who would just simply listen as I vented or cried.

I wasn't interested in deep antidotes on life. I couldn't care less about the next self help book. ALL I WANTED WAS JESUS, a good laugh from my belly, and friends who would pray and listen.

So this blog is just that. It's a place where I can vent about stuff that you might be able to relate to, share things I find funny (hopefully you do as well), share my testimony and things God is showing me in life, and well... share good music (on music Monday's).

I have a simplistic conversational style.

But I also enjoy the complexities of life.

My motto is:

"I crave complex, but despise complicated."

(Quote me on that.)

Four Things I've Learned So Far in 2017

August is just a few short days away. 

Dear 2017:

I see you! You're not slick.

Love,

Mylah

This is not a post of complaints. I'm just keeping it real. And on the other side of this list are more blessings than I could ever write about. If you stay tuned, you'll see plenty of those posts.

Here is what I have discovered in 2017 so far (in no order):

1. A word that is suitable for describing a three-year-old human being who is currently attending preschool: Threenager. It is so perfect. The struggle has been real.

via GIPHY

2. I love to write. It's my full-time job. But writing about subject matter you care NOTHING about is harder than I thought. I know nothing about playing video games. The only game I play is Toy Blast through Facebook. So writing proposals about game technology is...ummm...a challenge. Am I up for it? Sure, just keep the coffee coming.

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3. I'm not always right. Okay, I've known that for a while, but I didn't quite know how to appreciate different opinions. Just because someone doesn't share my opinions doesn't make them wrong, it just makes them super wrong. Just kidding. I'm learning to learn from others. And because I've turned up my listening ears, I'm learning a lot and appreciate each moment.

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4. Finding a church home isn't easy. I've been praying and praying for God to lead me some place where my children and I will be blessed. So far, I've attended services where one of two things happen:

a. My children LOVE their children's church experience and I leave feeling empowered by a motivational speech centered around one scripture without learning anything about the Word of God.
b. I enjoy the service (for the most part)...although a tad disjointed, and the kids are bored in their children's church - they tell me they don't want to go back.

I continue to pray for the Lord's guidance in this area because it's critical for us to find a church home where we can learn the Word of God and grow! I don't need back flips in the pulpit, but just some good sound doctrine.

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What have you learned in 2017 so far? Leave your comments below!