I sometimes moved before God said move.
And it was very debilitating. I mean, it wasn't debilitating while I was moving ahead of Him, but the aftermath always was.
I would get impatient and tend to make things "happen" for myself. With the exception of buying a house here in California, I have pretty much gone after the things I wanted in the past, even if it put me in debt or wasn't well-thought out. I had a microwave mentality and a severe case of "fear of missing out."
Over the past year, I've slowly but surely learned what it means to make the Lord "lord" of my life and not just savior. I really thought I had done this, but I realized there were several areas which I had not turned over to Him completely.
1. Relationships. Oh goodness. The "R" word. We all have relationships whether they are of a romantic nature or just a friendship. But I was really steering my own ship in this area of my life. "Lord, I love you, but I got this." Yep, that was my attitude even though I really wasn't aware of it. I had to have a breaking point; a point where I looked in the mirror and was tired of my heart feeling empty. I was tired of feeling lonely and trying to fill the void with a person.
I had to become satisfied in Christ and Christ only. Nothing can fill the void in our hearts like He can. And honestly, I personally don't feel like He's gonna bless us with the love of our lives while we run from being filled by Him.
This meant spending time in His presence. Crying out to Him. Getting honest with God about how hurt I was about my divorce. Getting to the nitty gritty about soul ties that still existed. I had to get on my face and do an ugly cry while alone in my apartment. I HAD TO GET REAL. My prayer went something like this:
Lord, I'm sad. God, I confess I am empty without you. I need you. I'm hurting. I don't feel good enough. I feel empty. I miss my mom. I feel alone and orphaned. I'm in a one-bedroom apartment with my daughter and my son. I'm 39 and should have a house. Lord, I feel ugly. Who's this age and still has acne? I feel like damaged goods. Who will want me. Lord, please, heal me. Fill me up Lord. God...do you hear me? Lord?
And then I woke up the next morning. Yep, He let me fall asleep. And when I woke up, I felt comforted...not comfortable, but comforted. I felt like He was in control and I he put in my heart the following scripture:
You know when I sit down and when I rise up; You understand my thought from afar. Psalm 139:2I didn't have to offer God a dissertation on my feelings or try to find just the right words. He already knew how I felt and it was okay for me to just talk to Him and cry.
2. Purpose. I always wrestled with what my purpose was. I settled on the fact that being a mom MUST be my purpose. I mean, of course that is my purpose, right? Well, yeah. Sort of. But what was Mylah, the woman's, purpose? What was her purpose long after my little birdies leave the nest?
I had to fast and pray on this one. I still pray over it. He is revealing it to me and has even sent confirmation my way, but I'll talk more about that on another post.
3. Location. If you have followed me on social media (my personal Facebook and Instagram), you'll know how badly I have wanted to leave California. My main reason for wanting to leave is the cost of living. The joke is that you have to have to have a full-time job and do something illegal on the side to afford it here. But I wanted to move so that I can afford to buy a home for my children and save money at the same time.
Sounds good doesn't it? Yep, sounded good to me until I realized I would be leaving my son behind with his dad. He has a good dad. So it had nothing to do with WHO I was leaving him with. It had everything to do with the fact that I wouldn't see him regularly. And the thought of that broke my heart. Maybe when he becomes older, it will be okay for me to leave and have him come visit me. But as of the date of this post, he's 7. And well, I just can't.
So, I'm relying on God to be my provider. I have turned everything over to Him to provide for me and my little family. I believe He will. His Word says:
And my God shall supply all your need according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:19
And I believe this wholeheartedly.
So where am I now?
I'm finally feeling amazing about living the single life. My inbox is clear of distractions and I'm focused on the Father, my new job (praise the Lord), staying debt-free, and prayerfully saving for retirement.
I'm pursuing my purpose and praying for it to become even more clear. I am getting ready to decorate my little place and stop treating it as a temporary residence. When God moves me, though, I will be ready (hey Lord...you hear that? LOL).
I'm in love with God. And I know His plans are the best plans. Have you ever jumped ahead of God or chosen not to wait on Him?
